I’ve been following Dean Wesley Smith lately. I swear he’s the writer that I always imagined I would become. In seeing what he’s done, I find myself getting angry with myself (after a taste of jealousy) at having gotten off track. Where did I go so wrong?
Okay, I do know the answer to that. I let my dreams get derailed by a desire for a “normal” life as a wife and a mother. That put me in a bad situation, one where I had to enjoy the rat race while continuing my dreams on the sidelines. I just wish now that I could’ve pushed myself harder than I have over the last 20 year. I’ve been moseying. I haven’t been playing for keeps. Some of that time, I truly feel that the situation couldn’t be helped. I had life issues working against me. But, I still could have been doing more. I wasn’t fully committed. I was scared.
Now I’m more scared.
I realize after watching several of Dean’s videos and reading his books, I have to get my life back on track. I’m not a brilliant writer by any means, but I have stories inside me I want to tell and I am 20 years shorter on being able to get them all out. That’s scary.
It just means that I have to be more focused and productive. I have to write more. I have to be a better writer to make a cleaner draft. Yes, that means doing the work upfront, not afterward. A light edit, not a complete rewrite. I’ve never had any issues before of writing something then throwing it all out to completely rewrite it because the sequence of scenes wasn’t right or I got a better idea. I’ve always trusted the process and if my gut tells me something is wrong I throw it out and go back to when it last felt right and started again. You know, my life hasn’t felt right for some time but I hadn’t wanted to trust the process of life like I do the process of writing. But now I realize how vitally important that is. It’s scary to let go of something that you know. In a Les Brown speech I was recently listening to, he says that “known hells are preferable to strange heavens.” He’s so very right. Now comes the time when I have to throw out several years of my life to get it back on track. I have to commit to something new or I’m going to keep facing the same life I have now. I don’t like this draft I’m writing. I have to break my thinking. I have to go back to where it last felt right and start again.
I know that I don’t have to throw out all the scenes I’ve written, just the ones that aren’t working. It’s going to take commitment to fill in the gaps, but I’m ready. I can see how the Universe has positioned me for this when I thought I was struggling through hard times and looking for answers. I am exactly where I need to be. I’ve found exactly what I needed to find. Learned exactly what I needed to find. Manifested in my life exactly what I needed to have for moving forward. I’m ready.
Thanks to Dean Wesley Smith’s for his encouragement and example. I now know that not only can be done but that it works. I can do this. More importantly, I want it more than ever.
I’m ready to rewrite my life.