The draft on top is the original draft as it has been written. On the bottom is my edit draft with my handwritten comments.
This scene is completely written in an omnipotent point of view. That is to say that it’s like a ghostly spirit is hanging around watching the scene — the fly on the wall, so to speak. It’s fine to start a scene that way, but, as you’ll see next week when we discuss page 2, it gets to needing a point of view very quickly. Why? Because in omnipotent point of view, it is possible to have everyone’s thoughts (being in the head of every character) all at once or truly being the disembodied spirit and being in no one’s thoughts but the spirits. Too many writers use omnipotent point of view and in my opinion they do it incorrectly. Thoughts are everywhere. I will give more details in the blog later as it’s too lengthy to discuss now.
This scene also needs far more description than it has. It’s fast and some description will help slow this scene down and ground the characters into it. Showing it from one character’s point of view will also help. I find that if one character is thinking about what’s going on rather than the floating spirit, it gets richer and deeper in being able to filter the scene through the character’s life experience. When you’re god, you know everything and all, so it’s hard to really be able to shade things emotionally as good or bad. The event just is what it is.
More description, like in illustrating how the priestesses are dressed, will tell if they were ready for this birthing or not. Little details can show so much about the story.
Go back through the page and read the proposed changes. How would you incorporate changes? What would you do? Do you see something I missed. Comment below. Then we can have fun and see how the page develops into the second draft together.